Sunday, January 08, 2006

If We Pray


Happy new year (again), everyone...

Just had a check-up on my Friendster account, since it had been well neglected for the past month or so. Just had a look at pictures of people graduating - once again, congrats to DD and Irene... and also to Pau who has been so patient putting up with these two ^^; Finding myself still wallowing in homesickness, counting time progression by seasons and daylight time savings. Finding myself sick of it.

And finally, finding three addresses I should go to... to see whether I can get an internship.

Being impartial to my own decision also proved to be a challenging matter. Too often we choose to follow 'our heart' since it felt right. I've stopped counting how many times it leads to consequences we otherwise would not face if we were more coolheaded (at least twice for sure.) To reverse time and yearn for the past is to run after an illusion of oasis in the desert. I personally dislike myself for being able to whinge so much.

A couple of days ago I had one such 'whinge-ing' session with a friend over the phone. I was given a thorough character assassination, one I particularly dislike (on the topic of using a strong will correctly.) I also feel so left behind (another thing I particularly dislike), so passe. The words burned right through... I felt very tempted to shout on the receiver and bang it to end the call... luckily good manners prevailed that moment... imagine trying to be patient and open-hearted for the past couple of months with nobody giving you any useful feedback (e.g. "you're fine", "it's so okay") , then suddenly *WHAM* someone told you you're not up to it. Yes, I agree I'm not up to it and I'd like to be up to it. Would you, those who profess to be a good friend of mine, please help me improve?

Another day I had my hopes crushed. Honestly, if someone asks me what walking with God feels like, I'd say I feel like a dumbass (which is true to every letter: dumbass.) Practising obedience is harder than imagined, but I won't give up. If I give up, it means I wouldn't walk my talk (another big dislike.) I've been calming myself with sleeping extra hours and making patterns lately. Probably if someone reads my blog in a chronological order, he/she will find straight away that mere feelings make a fickle foundation to good decisions because they are always relative. The only absolute thing about feelings is its relativity.

I'm blessed with a sharp memory, but a sharp memory in itself can turn into toxins if used improperly. On other moments, I get frustrated on not being able to remember particular details of an event, especially if I'm about to use those details to moot my points. It's weird because sometimes forgetting those events (without forgetting the lessons learnt) is a way of healing yourself. I don't quite understand it yet since I want to have a pure heart and sharp memory, so I'll be exploring myself for some time to come up with a good answer.

Alright, thanks a lot for reading on... the knowledge of a good friend reading this blog is already a soothing point for me. Thank you for listening patiently; I hope you have courage to journey the good days ahead of you ^^ Take care!

Another broken heart that's in need of healing
Another weary soul in the world that's reeling
I can turn my head and harness the things that give those feelings
'cause your tears are my tears
We all cry the same

And if we pray, pray
Minute by minute, step by step
the Lord will lead the way
Pray, lift your voices everyday
We will find hope if we pray.

1 comment:

p01nky's said...

geez....
ur up late....
just learn to be content with what you have now... and you'll be happy.
Keep on sulking and whingeing... and you might miss the whole point of what you might need to learn while ur there.
When it's time to move on and leave Indo, things will fall into place... you don't have to force it.